This week, I am going to share about and touch on three points:
- How I quit blaming myself for the death of our son, Kyle Jr.
- How I quit blaming my wife for the death of our first son, Joey.
- How I quit thinking I had to fully understand it for it to be true/truth.
Have you ever done something that you thought you could never forgive yourself for? Or maybe someone has done something to you that you feel you could never forgive them for.
Heartbreak
On October 28, 2007, at around 8:00 p.m., Kyle Jr. called our house and asked me if I would come and pick him up from his girlfriend’s house. I had just sat down with my wife to watch a movie. I asked him if he thought his friend would be able to give him a ride. Kyle said he would call and ask, then call me right back.
Moments later, Kyle called and said, “Dad, [friend’s name] said no problem, he will pick me up and give me a ride home.” I said, “Great, I’ll see you soon, son. I love you.” He said, “Love you too, Dad.”
My wife and I went to bed around 9:30, and I remember right after I laid down, I said, “Kyle should have been home by now.” Just then, there was a knock on the door. When I answered, it was a police officer and he said, “Are you Mr. Hoffman?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “There’s been a bad accident. [Friend’s name] is dead on the scene and your son, Kyle, is being medevaced to Fairfax Hospital. It is bad, sir, you will want to get there fast.”
I fell to the floor and thought I was going to puke. Just then, Chris walked in and said, “What’s going on?” The officer informed her and she said, “Get up, we have got to go.”
The next day, Kyle Jr. died. As I went through the process of losing my second son, I started to blame myself. If I would have got up off that couch, it would have changed everything! In my mind, I killed my son.
I knew that I needed to talk with people about this and I did. I learned a lot, but I want to focus on two main points. The first was that I tend to look for someone or something to blame for everything bad that happens. I also learned was that I was blaming my wife for the death of our first son, Joey.
The Talk
Have you ever talked with someone about something and something else was revealed? I asked specific people for guidance and counsel on how to handle this. It was suggested to me that I talk to my wife and tell her what was going on and what I had learned.
I definitely had apprehension, but eventually the day came and I sat my wife down. It went like this: “Honey, I need to talk to you and it’s important.” We sat down and I got down on one knee and held her hand. “I’ve been praying and talking with some people and I realized that I have been blaming you all these years for Joey’s death. If you would have been at the bus stop that day, maybe things would have been different. I also realize that I was wrong and that Joey’s death was not your fault. I have asked God to forgive me and I need to ask you to forgive me.”
My wife started to cry. She looked at me and said, “I have been blaming you for Kyle’s death. If you would have just got up off the couch, maybe things would be different. But I realize his death is not your fault. Will you forgive me?”
In some way, we both not only blamed each other for our sons’ deaths, we blamed ourselves too.
The Miracle
I can‘t explain what happened in this moment because it is bigger than me and this life. Or maybe better said, “He is bigger than me and this life.” But somehow, we forgave ourselves and each other in a moment! The tumor of blame, resentment and unforgiveness was removed in an instant from our minds and from our marriage.
I wish I had some more practical application for this one. But it’s one of those things that I don’t need to understand for it to be true. I just need to accept it! No more blame! No more resentment! No more unforgiveness! Only freedom and peace of mind in this house and in this marriage.
Looking Ahead
I hope you will consider visiting again next week. I am going to share about …
- How I quit hanging out with the wrong people and surrounded myself with the right people.
I will share a story titled “Trust: How It Changed My Perspective.”
God bless!
