For years, I just had to be right! Even when I was wrong. Does anybody relate? Maybe you know somebody like this. Maybe you’re sitting with them right now.
This week, I want to share about how “I quit trying to be right all the time” from my blog, 10 Things I Quit That Have Made a Huge Difference in My Life.
A Big Day
Back in 2004, my wife and I were going to marriage counseling. This was right after I had quit drinking and we were hoping to get our marriage back on track and get it to the way it used to be before all the damage was done. By damage, I mean all the words and hurt that I had caused in our lives over the previous 22 years. Combine that with life stuff, like the death of our son, Joey, and damage occurs.
It was a big day (bigger than I knew) in our counseling session. Chris had been given the task of writing down the things I did specifically that had hurt her and had caused major damage in our relationship over the years.
We sat down and did the normal warm-up stuff prior to starting. And then Clair asked Chris if she was ready. My wife pulled out her paper and started to read it. Before I share the words in ink that were on that paper, I want to paint a picture of who Chris had become.
When I met Chris, her spirit was so alive and vibrant! Her face shone with joy and happiness. She was not a talker but she would engage in deep conversation. She walked with confidence, she believed in herself, in love and in life!
But back to 2004, in this counseling session. Chris was different now. She didn’t look happy, she didn’t walk with any confidence, she didn’t act like she was full of joy. She definitely was not a talker. She had lost her zest for life and for love. It was like she had lost her spirit.
She reminded me of a turtle who, when I came around, just hid in her shell until it was safe to come back out. And even when she came out, she wasn’t Chris anymore.
Hearing Her Heart
As Chris started reading, she said, “It’s like my heart is glass. You ripped it out, threw it on the ground and it shattered in a million pieces. And now, we will try to pick up all the pieces and glue them back together, but the cracks will always be there.”
And then she proceeded to share all the things I did over the years that hurt her and were a huge part of who she had become. My responsibility was to sit and listen to her and try to hear her heart. It was not a time for justification, deflection or excuses. “No words, Kyle, just listen and hear your wife.”
The more she shared, the more difficult this became for me. Not the deflection or “no excuse” part, but the listening part. For some reason, suddenly, in a moment, I heard her heart. I realized how much I had hurt my wife over the years.
As I sat listening, tears started to run down my face. This was the same person I had stood in front of and shared marriage vows with, the same person I used to look at and melt. The same person I used to lie in bed awake and think about for hours during our dating time, the same person that consumed me and my every thought after I met her in the hallway in junior high.
I spent the next several years learning how to quit trying to be right all the time. (Though I will admit sometimes, I still try.)
No More Cracks
Let’s fast-forward about 10 years. Chris and I had finished our cardio workout together and we were heading to the farm to visit her horse, Cowboy. On the way, I looked over at her and she had her hand over her heart. I asked her, “Are you OK, sweetheart? Are you having chest pains? Is your heart OK?!” She looked at me, smiled and said, “Oh no, honey. I’m fine. My heart is whole today.”
In a split second, I was reminded of the counseling session where she had told me that the cracks would always be there. Tears started running down my face as I shared with my bride the memory I was reminded of. As we talked, we both realized that the cracks were in fact gone! Her heart was whole!
Let me digress a moment. I have met with many men over the years who spend a lot of time complaining about their wife to me. At the appropriate time, I say, “Wow, she seems like a pain. Why did you marry her?” They say, “Well, when I married her, she wasn’t this way. She was so different back then.” I say, “So is it possible that you made her this way?”
I am not saying that it is all the husband’s fault or responsibility, but for our story, most of the damage was in fact caused by me and the way I chose to treat and speak to my wife over the years.
Better Than We Used to Be
Two points I want to focus on.
The main lesson I learned here came from my mentor. As we sat talking one day, he said to me, “Kyle, one of these days you will need to decide to let Chris be Chris and stop trying to make her who you want her to be.” Isn’t it amazing how many of us marry someone only to work and try to make them who and how we think they should be?
Earlier, I said that we wanted to get our marriage back to where it used to be. Today, our marriage is better than we could have ever imagined, with the right attitude, people and tools in our lives! We all have the choice to become better than we used to be, or than we are today.
Looking Ahead
I hope you will consider visiting again next week. I am going to share about how I quit blaming myself for the death of our son, Kyle Jr. I will share a story titled “The Miracle of Forgiving.”
Go out and make it a change week!
